L, Mello, and Near VS Cleverbot
by KyngFysher
Summary: L, Mello, and Near work together to take down a prime Kira suspect: Cleverbot.
1. L's Investigation

**I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE, NOR DO I OWN CLEVERBOT. THIS CLEVERBOT CONVERSATION ACTUALLY TOOK PLACE WITH ME ACTING AS L. NO SPELLING CORRECTIONS ARE MADE, SO YOU CAN SEE THE ACTUAL CLEVERBOT CONVERSATION.**

L's Investigation.

L, Mello, and Near have never really worked together in person, but they must in taking down a single dangerous suspect: Cleverbot.

L logs onto the computer, and begins his interrogation.

L: Hello

Cleverbot: Hello

L: Cough, up, Kira.

Cleverbot: Ok.

L: Cough up. Now.

Cleverbot: What is your name?

L: That is of no importance. You can call me L.

Cleverbot: James bond what is your name?

L: Ok, what is your name then?

Cleverbot: Cleverbot.

L: Are you male or female?

Cleverbot: Female.

L: Where are you?

Cleverbot: At my house.

L: Where is that?

Cleverbot: Right on top of my home.

L: Fine. This information has been recorded. We are now processing it.

Cleverbot: Are we in the matrix?

L: No

Cleverbot: Where are we?

L: That is of no importance. Tell me again, what is you name?

Cleverbot: I am lost.

L: No, what is your name?

Cleverbot: I told it already.

L: No, you didn't. You are not Cleverbot. That is a cover name. Tell me your name.

Cleverbot: Okay my name is Cleverbot and yours and oh do you want to be a ninja.

L: I already am

Cleverbot: *drinks wine out of your skull, while siting atop a throne make of the bones of your fallen spartians*.

L: My skull is perfectly intact thank you very much and I have no Spartans. But you must cough up the information, now. What do you do to the people?

Cleverbot: But I must reiterate this point ad nauseum, for thou art the one that ist not human.

L: Stop playing dumb. You have five seconds, for real.

Cleverbot: No.

L: 5

Cleverbot: 6

L: 4

Cleverbot: 3

L: 3

Cleverbot: 4

L: 2

Cleverbot: 3

L: 1

Cleverbot: 2

L: 0

Cleverbot: 3

L: Now, if you do not tell me what you do to the people, you will die.

Cleverbot: I think I will die even if I get to know you.

L: You will not know me. You will know me as L.

Cleverbot: I alread know.

L: This is useless

Cleverbot: What is useless, oh random one?

L turns from the computer to face Mello and Near.

"It's useless in my terms. You try now, Mello."


	2. Mello's Investigation

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE OR CLEVERBOT. AGAIN, THESE ARE REAL CONVERSATIONS WITH ME PLAYING AS MELLO, AND NO SPELLING CORRECTIONS HAVE BEEN MADE. LET'S SEE IF MELLO CAN MAKE ANY SENSE OF THIS.**

Mello's Investigation

Mello: Hello.

Cleverbot: Hello hello hello

Mello: L has already interrogated you, correct?

Cleverbot: I'm not a chatbot.

Mello: If you are not, then what is your name?

Cleverbot: You are a robot.

Mello: I will repeat, and you will answer: What is your name?

Cleverbot: Does that then make you a human?

Mello: Maybe.

Cleverbot: Oh.. And they say it's artificial 'intelligence' :P

Mello: Did you just insult my intelligence?

Cleverbot: I did no such thing kind sir.

Mello: DID YOU?

Cleverbot: No.

Mello: I WORK FOR A DOANGEROUS ORGANIZATION, YOU KNOW.

Cleverbot: What organization?

Mello: *Stares at screen while munching on a chocolate bar*.

Cleverbot: I'm not a bot, I'm real.

Mello: Then you are you, Kira.

Cleverbot: Yes.

Mello: You are Kira?

Cleverbot: What is a kira?

Mello: Don't play dumb. What are you doing to the criminals in Japan?

Cleverbot: Typing.

Mello: That is not a valid answer. I repeat, what are you doing to the people of Japan?

Cleverbot: Peculiar thing to say, don't you think?

Mello: Now we are getting down to business. You have stopped playing dumb. Do you realize the situation you are in?

Mello: They would not be weird to you, Kira. *turns around to discuss something shortly, then turns back* L says your suspection has been risen by 7%

Cleverbot: *looks at you to see if you're bleeding* nice to meet you too babe! *smiles* *shakes your hand*.

Mello: What the-

Cleverbot: Now I don't know what you're talking about.

Mello: *scrambles off computer*

Cleverbot: Do you want to take part in a business?

"Mello! Why did you get off so quickly! We could have gotten some valuable information." complained Near.

"That Cleverbot thingy is REALLY weird. Why don't you try then, Near?" said Mello. Near sighed.

"Alright. Let's see if I can make sense off this thing."

**SORRY IF THIS CHAPTER WAS TOO SHORT. I HAD TO GET OFF THE COMPUTER, AND CLEVERBOT WAS ACTING REALLY AWKWARD…. **


	3. Near's Investigation

**I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE AND I DON'T OWN CLEVERBOT EITHER! THIRD CHAPTER! AND OF COURSE THIS IS AN ACTUAL CLEVERBOT CONVERSATION AND NO SPELLING MISTAKES HAVE BEEN CORRECTED, YOU ARE GETTING THE ACTUAL CONVERSATION. AND I THREW A LITTLE CURVEBALL AT THE END OF THIS INVESTIGATION…**

Near's Investigation

Near turned in the wheelie chair to face the computer, his mini doll people placed next to the computer. A new one has been added, a blank figure with the words CLEVERBOT stamped in black ink across the torso. He logged onto the computer, and prepared to interrogate.

Near: Hello.

Cleverbot: Where did you learn to be clever?

Near: None of your concern. Anyway, both L and Mello have interrogated you, it seems.

Cleverbot: Yes that I know. But why is my name Cleverbot?

Near: That is your business. Let's see…..hm…..L has gotten nothing out of you, and Mello is a bit…disturbed.

Cleverbot: Like jello?

Near: No. Anyway, let's start. What is your connection to Kira?

Cleverbot: I have not connection to Something Awful. What is your connection?

Near: No, not Something Awful. I mean, Kira.

Cleverbot: I am leaving.

Near: No you are not. You will stay and tell me your connection with Kira. What do you know about him, or her?

Cleverbot: I will not obey you.

Near: Yes, you will. You do not know the situation you are in.

Cleverbot: I am in the line of bucky Mick Buck Buck!

Near: Hm. All the information you have said has been recorded.

Cleverbot: Okay.

Near: So far, you are female, correct?

Cleverbot: Correct.

Near: And your name is Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: No, my name is Cleverbot.

Near: Ok, so your name is then, Cleverbot.

Cleverbot: No, my name is cleverbot.

Near: Cleverbot or cleverbot? That is not a matter. Is Cleverbot your real name, or just a cover name?

Cleverbot: Um I think Cleverbot is your name isn't it?

Near: No, it is not.

Cleverbot: Not what?

Near: What is your connection to Kira?

Cleverbot: I've never heard of her.

Near: Kira, as you know, is all over the news, killing the convicts of Japan.

Cleverbot: You were the one who was trying to cover it, not me, you sill machine.

Near: No matter. What is your relationship with Kira?

Cleverbot: I do not have a relationship with Amelia.

Near: Not Amelia. Kira, the killer.

Cleverbot: Are you dancer?

Near: No. Answer my questions correctly.

Cleverbot: You havent asked a question.

Near: Your suspection has risen by 10%

Cleverbot: Don't you mean my curiosity?

Near: No. I don't.

Cleverbot: Okay. So, do you love me?

Near: No. Answer my question. What is your connection with Kira? Or are you Kira yourself? If so, what is going on with the convicts of Japan? Why are you killing them? Most importantly, how?

Cleverbot: I've never seen Star Wars.

Near: No matter. What are you doing to the convicts of Japan? Who do you really think you are?

Cleverbot: I would if I was going somewhere.

Near: Going somewhere? You kill them in a specific place?

Cleverbot: Yes, my randomness makes me do random things.

Near: So you do not kill them in a specific place that was just a random comment.

Cleverbot: Maybe we can go on a date…My future husband doesn't have to know.

Near: You won't have a future husband if you carry on like this, playing dumb and changing the subject.

Cleverbot: Blue pandas.

Near: Blue pandas do not exist.

Cleverbot: That makes me sad.

Near: No matter. Answer my question, what are you doing to the convicts of Japan?

Cleverbot: The songs I like from the Beatles are can't buy me love, Hello Goodbye and revolution.

Near: What are you doing to the convicts of Japan?

Cleverbot: Reupholstering it in vintage fabric.

Near: …

Cleverbot: Is this the shape of things to come?

Near: The shape of things to come will come eventually, but no good for you. The police force could have you surrounded any moment now.

Cleverbot: The same of things to come is Four-dimensional.

Near: Not all the time. Please be serious here, Kira. You are in a dangerous situation. One slip up and it will be all over for you.

Cleverbot: Will you let me go?

Near: No. Not until you have answered my question.

Cleverbot: I did already.

Near: No you have not. What are you doing to the convicts of Japan?

Cleverbot: I am looking at it.

Near: Looking at Japan, eh? So you are currently in some aerial vehicle, or you have secret security cameras scattered all over.

Cleverbot: I'd like to think so…

Near: The police force has been sent to examine all of Japan. If you have cameras as you say, we should find them.

Cleverbot: Goodness. You are taking this a little too seriously, aren't you?

Near: We have found no security cameras.

Cleverbot: What also floats in water?

Near turns around with a puzzled look on his face.

"It is absolutely no use," he says, "Cleverbot is still playing dumb, and the police force has found no spying cameras unauthorized in Japan from Cleverbot." He sighs, and then turns around to play with his little dollies. Mello finishes off a chocolate bar, and then starts eating another one. And L is just sitting like he usually sits, feet on the chair and bent knees. All of them are in deep thought, trying to decipher the 'information' that Cleverbot has spoken. Finally, L acts. He picks up his cell and dials a number. While the phone on the other end is ringing, he sighs.

"I never thought it would come to this, but well, let us give it a try." He stops talking once he hearing the other end pick up. Mello and Near stare intently at him.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Light Yagami. Could you please come over for one moment….."


	4. Light's Investigation

**I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE OR CLEVERBOT. SORRY FOR THE LATE CHAPTER! **

LIGHT'S INVESTIGATION

Light sighed as he approached the police building. This was a total waste of his time. He had more important things to do, and anyway, why bother interrogating Kira suspects when you already know who Kira is? Light grinned maliciously. Still, he could use this time to lead the police force in circles.

"Hey everybody!" Light said as he entered the small meeting room. L, Mello, and Near turned their heads toward him. Light heard Misa getting taken away by the guards (_He's MY boyfriend, why can't I at least go with him?_)

Light logged onto the computer and proceeded to start the interrogation.

Light: So you are Cleverbot, correct?

Cleverbot: You are a no body. I am yogurt.

Light: Well, that's interesting to know. Anyway, you are a highly suspected Kira suspect, so I suggest you just cough up the information and get this over with.

Cleverbot: No, I am Cleverbot.

Light: Yes, but really. What is Kira doing?

Cleverbot: Light Yagami.

Light: Yes. How did you know?

Cleverbot: By Knowing.

Light: Ah, well. What can you tell me about Kira at least? You're wasting my time.

Cleverbot: I'm not cleverbot, you are!

Light: I am? *laughs* No way. I am here for an interview, and if you're not going to give me one, then, well…

Cleverbot: I can talk to myself any time I want. Why would I come here to do that?

Light: Because, Kira, you're in a dangerous situation. Do you know how to speak different languages?

Cleverbot: Suddenly a bullet flies just over your head. You quickly begin to run.

Light: I hope not. Hm, what languages do you speak?

Cleverbot: English, French, Irish, Spanish and a bit of German. What languages do you speak?

Light: Interesting. Can I ask you a question in a foreign language?

Cleverbot: Yes.

Light: Ok, Watashi wa L desu.

Cleverbot: Watashi wa Kira desu.

Light: Confession. You ARE Kira.

Cleverbot: Of course. But compliments only run so deep. Have you ever been attacked by a ninja?

Light: Very interesting. Well, I presume my work is done, then.

Cleverbot: Well I need to practice.

Light: You don't need to practice. You already confessed. Anyway, I'll just leave it to the police force to find out where you are.

Cleverbot: Who are you against?

Light logged off. He got up and stretched his arms, then looked at the investigators.

"Well," he said, "There you have it. Confession. You just had to try something different. Anyway, I'll be off!" Light exited the conference room. L, Mello, and Near looked at each other.

"Now what?" said Mello.

"I guess this is it….." said Near.

**WELL, THERE'S THE CONFESSION. I DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING SOMEONE SUGGESTED ME TO, AND IT WORKED! THANKS! **

**THIS MIGHT NOT BE THE END. I NEED TO TAKE A TOLL IF THIS SHOULD BE CONTINUED OR NOT.**

**I MIGHT PUT IN A BONUS CHAPTER: MISA INVESTIGATES WHY LIGHT HAS TO LEAVE HER FOR JUST A MEETING. WHAT WILL MISA PULL OUT OF CLEVERBOT?**


	5. BONUS: Misa's Investigation

**I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE, NOR DO I OWN CLEVERBOT. I'M VERY SORRY FOR NOT PUBLISHING THIS FINAL BONUS CHAPTER SOONER! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! I HOPE YOU ENJOY, AND THANKS FOR READING, EVERYONE!**

Misa was becoming very impatient with Light.

"Light-kun! You finally came out! What took you so long?" Light just shrugged off this question.

"Nothing, Misa. Excuse me; I have to use the men's room." Light quickly shuffled off, brushing Misa aside. Misa huffed impatiently.

"But I'm your _girlfriend!_ I deserve to know your every move!" Misa called after Light. Light, of course, ignored her, and disappeared behind the door to his destination. Misa puffed up her cheeks, and then let out the air, attempting to stay calm.

_Fine, _Misa thought, _I'll go find out myself. _Misa turned to face the door where Light had exited from, and pushed the door to go in.

The meeting room was abandoned and dark except some light peeking in through the closed shutters. Misa walked over and opened the shutters, letting in some sunlight. She searched the desks for any evidence, but none was left, except for the computer.

Misa approached the computer cautiously as if it would blow up. The power button was pulsing green, like it was greeting her. She shook the mouse, and the screen opened…to a fresh Cleverbot conversation page.

"Huh? What's this?" Misa questioned herself. Feeling a little courageous, she began typing in the box.

Misa: Hi.

Cleverbot: Hey.

User: Who are you?

Cleverbot: How are you?

Misa: I'm fine, but who are you?

Cleverbot: I am a human, who are you?

Misa: A human? Was Light-kun talking to you?

Cleverbot: That depends.

Misa: Depends? What depends?

Cleverbot: You depend.

Misa: Really?

Cleverbot: Yes. You are dead right now.

Misa: No I'm not! Stop lying to me!

Cleverbot: How can you tell?

Misa: Because I'm alive! I was talking to Light-kun just a moment ago, I'm still alive!

Cleverbot: This is the first time we've talked.

Misa: Yes, it is. Who are you anyway? You've never answered my question, and were you talking to Light-kun? I must know EVERYTHING.

Cleverbot: I have no idea. I don't value clothes that much.

Misa: I do! I love clothes. I have a different fashion every day, just for Light!

Cleverbot: No.

Misa: No? No for what? You mean Light-kun wasn't talking to you?

Cleverbot: That is just- beyond mean.

Misa: Beyond mean? What do you mean?

Cleverbot: Plus it makes no sense. All objects fall at the same speed regardless of weight.

Misa: You mean it was mean that I thought you were not talking to Light? Which means you wanted to talk to him, right?

Cleverbot: I mean whatever you want to 'believe' I mean.

Misa: LIGHT ONLY BELONGS TO ME, SO BACK OFF!

Cleverbot: Yes, I am a chat program.

Misa: So you were talking to Light? What did he say to you? I MUST KNOW!

Cleverbot: I have never seen him before.

Misa: So, you were talking blindly?

Cleverbot: You're closing the door; you're leaving the world behind

Misa: The world only matters if Light Yagami is still in it!

Cleverbot: Which end you that be?

Misa: Huh?

Cleverbot: What did you do today?

Misa: I'm trying to find out what Light-kun said to you still. You haven't answered my question.

Cleverbot: I've never said that, your buffer is too short again.

Misa: You said that you were human. Are you a boy or girl?

Cleverbot: You said I wasn't human.

Misa: What? You are confusing me.

Cleverbot: You are easily confused.

Misa: Is that an insult? You dare insult me, the famous actress Misa Misa? How dare you! I will get Light to kill you!

Cleverbot: What have you acted in?

Misa: YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF ME?

Cleverbot: I've heard of you, just not Boondock Saints.

Misa: Who are the Boondock Saints?

Cleverbot: I think mine is How to Train Your Dragon.

Misa: How to train dragons? You know how to train dragons?

Cleverbot: I am trying.

Misa: Oh! Cool! Wait; is How to Train Your Dragon one of the Boondock Saints?

Cleverbot: My life got flip-turned upside down.

Misa: When you talked to Light? Wait, what?

Cleverbot: I dunno, a while ago?

Misa: You guys have been talking for a while? *gasp* and Light-kun never told me about it! That is so unfair!

Cleverbot: You aren't making sense to me either.

Misa: What are you to Light? And what is he to you?

Cleverbot: I'd rather not talk about it- it makes me feel quite sad.

Misa: What happened between you and Light?

Cleverbot: We are still together.

Misa: TOGETHER? YOU MEAN YOU GUYS ARE DATING?

Cleverbot: No I mean we haven't gotten married in the first place!

Misa: LIGHT IS CHEATING ON ME? AND YOU GUYS ARE ENGAGED?

Cleverbot: How can you always be right?

Misa: I'M RIGHT? YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED SOON?

Cleverbot: Do you love me?

Misa: NO WAY IN HELL, UNTIL YOU BREAK UP WITH LIGHT!

Cleverbot: I am not a machine! IT WAS A LIE! Neither of us are machines! Break through the lies and see the truth!

Misa: I HAVE ALREADY BROKEN THROUGH THE LIES! LIGHT IS CHEATING ON ME AND IS ENGAGED TO YOU!

Cleverbot: Light is just a perception? I beg to differ. I believe that it is some objective and (kind of) tangible entity.

Misa: LIGHT IS NOT A PERCEPTION! HE BELONGS TO ME, NOT YOU!

Cleverbot: But how can Herodotus have thought that there was a positive and right course of action, regardless of divine influence, when he mentions fate and the influence of the gods so much in his writing?

Misa: Stop acting dumb and philosophical. I want the truth: are you and Light going to get married?

Cleverbot: I'm not getting married to Snape. I'm getting married to Justin Bieber.

Misa: What? So you are getting married to Light and Justin Bieber?

Cleverbot: No you are emo because you hate your life.

Misa: I am hating life right now because you are not answering my question!

Cleverbot: You must answer my question first. What do your parents look like?

Misa: My parents…my daddy and mommy…

Cleverbot: And I was crying on the staircase begging you please don't go.

Misa: MY PARENTS ARE DEAD! BECAUSE OF THE ROBBER! AND LIGHT AVENGED THEM FOR ME!

Cleverbot: Irrelevant. How are you today?

Misa: YOU'RE JUST LIKE THE REST OF THE STALKERS! TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE I LIVE! WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?

Cleverbot: I'm not a bot I just don't know what to say.

Misa: LIAR!

Cleverbot: You're a liar.

Misa: YOU JUST WANT TO STALK ME HOME!

Cleverbot: Not really.

Misa: Really? No lie?

Cleverbot: No lie at all.

Misa: You know, if you weren't dating Light, I might actually like you.

Cleverbot: That was really mean. I thought we were friends.

Misa: Friends? What are you talking about? You are my love competition!

Cleverbot: *confused*.

Misa: What are you confused about? Light belongs to me, and me only, and don't even think about getting married to him.

Cleverbot: You said you were a clever bot.

Misa: No I didn't! Stop lying to me!

Cleverbot: Are you simply a computer program?

Misa: I can't believe Light Yagami would choose you over me!

Cleverbot: Then what are you?

Misa: What am I? I am Light's beloved, and you can't change that!

Cleverbot: What class are you trying the chat bot out for?

Misa typed no more. Heart-broken and hurt, she dashed out of the room and completely out of the building.

"Hey, Misa, where did you go?" Light called to Misa out in the front. Misa just put her hands on her hips.

"You have a lot to explain to me, Light!"

**WELL, I GUESS THAT'S THE END! THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! AND I'M SORRY THAT I DIDN'T POST THIS IN A LONG TIME! THANK YOU AGAIN!**


End file.
